Make Baseball Fun Again

Austin Vershel

We've all played baseball at some point in our lives. Many of us were the outfielders who never got close to having to catch a ball, and the rest of us were the fatties that our coaches hid at first base or catcher. Some of us even played until high school. Former Vershel Sports Fantasy Football champion Howie Kalamets was on the school team(shout out to the Middletown Knights) throughout his high school career. And the rest of you who didn't play baseball were probably losers that played soccer. No offense. Well, a little offense I guess. Regardless, the thing that all of us fatties and losers have in common is that nobody watches baseball during the regular season. I know there are some of you reading this who say "Wait, I watch baseball during the regular season." Shut up, you. Scientific research* shows that less than 15% of our generation watches over a quarter of games in a season (*Not scientific research). Why not? I don't know, why are you asking me? Oh wait that's right, I am writing a blog about it. Here goes:

Shorten the schedule and speed up the games
They can't shorten the schedule and they already sped up the game. I learned this from the 1 baseball game I watched over the last two years. Moving on.

Less Men on the Field
I've always hated the short stop position. It is the only position that doesn't make any logical sense as he is not covering a base or pitching. "Oh it will make playing infield so much harder!" Quiet you. If 3 people can cover the much larger outfield than 3 people can manage the infield. This change will produce more runs.

Less Bases on the Field
While we're getting rid of the short stop, let's get rid of 2nd base too altogether. Eliminating the short stop will cause more hits, but getting rid of second base will make pickles that much more exciting. I'm joking about this one, I think.

Make Steroids Mandatory for All Players
Presented without comment.

Cheerleaders
While everyone loves the dancing mascots, the racing presidents, and the fighting condiments, baseball could use a womens touch. Baseball players today are so grizzly and masculine that viewers can get sick of looking at beards filled with chewing tobacco. Hey Joe Buck, how about you mix in a little short skirt cheerleader action, huh?

Corks in Every Bat
Bring baseball back to the days of Sammy Sosa and Barry Bonds. As Mark McGuire says, "I don't want to talk about the past, I only want to talk about the future." This change will drastically increase the amount of scoring.

Home Run Derby Overtime
Everyone's favorite part of Baseball season: the all star break. Nothing is better than watching the best of the best YABO 15mph lobs out of the park. This system would be similar to penalty kicks in soccer. Hell, make the managers pitch too. Adds a little skill to an otherwise meaningless position.