Pretty Good Sports

Rock Band Musician Mock Draft

Albert Mattheis


There will be a fantasy draft, in which the pool of applicants will be any musician who has ever existed, and the goal of the draft is to compose what would be the greatest rock band of all time. The term “greatest” is subjective, but factors that play into the grading scale include talent, charisma, chemistry between members, songwriting, emotions that the music will be able to tap into, and all-around logic and reasoning for good band composition.

Bands can be composed of any combination of musical talent, but must include at least 1 Singer, 1 guitar player, 1 bass player, and 1 drummer. There will be 32 teams selecting in what will be a 7 round draft. Teams will select “Snake” style, meaning that whoever has the 1st pick in the 1st round will have the last pick in the 2nd round, etc.

Band members do not all have to be from the same genre per se, however each band must have a stylistic “scheme” and each member must be assigned a role and how they will contribute to their band’s sound. Band names, styles, and sounds do not have to be explicitly explained until after the draft is complete, but it is a good idea to have a general direction of where your draft is going.

Guitarists and Lead singers will be prioritized heavily in the first few rounds because generally that is what will shape a band’s sound, however there are musicians of high impact that play other instruments that may be selected early. Without further ado, let’s begin.

Pick 1.) Band 1 – Ozzy Osebourne, Lead singer

Ozzy is the choice for the first overall draft pick because he is the only musician in history to be able to put out new music for over a 40 year time span and to never have sold out or lost their touch with their roots. Beginning with Black Sabbath in the late 1960’s, Ozzy’s iconic voice and very Metal Mannerisms (Biting a head off of a bat, anyone?) have made the world a better place. Songs like “Iron Man” and “Crazy Train” can be played 1000’s of times at sporting events and never do they lose their feel or begin to feel cheesy.

Aside from having an iconically recognizable voice and a legendary stage presence, Ozzy is a good fit for the 1st overall pick due to a huge stylistic range and flexibility within schemes. Ozzy demonstrated his ability to communicate Metal emotions through songs like “Paranoid” with Black Sabbath, and “Mr. Crowley” but also showed an ability to fit into softer, more acoustic schemes with the timeless power-ballad “Mama I’m Coming Home.” The fact that he has been able to produce many successful hits with many different guitarists and band members show that he is the true X factor for success, and that he has a true ability to mesh with and raise the play of the musicians working with him. Three of his previous guitarists are considered among the all-time greats: Zakk Wylde, Randy Rhodes, and Tony Iommi. It is unlikely that any of these guys would be regarded as highly as they are if it were not for Ozzy..

For these reasons, he is a great franchise building block for any band looking for a clear and evocative metal sound and an incredible front man. Although Ozzy has shown an ability throughout his career to consistently be great, from Black Sabbath in the 1960’s to as recently as 2007 when he and Zakk Wylde released the hit “I Don’t Wanna Stop”, the Ozzy of selection here would be the still-raw-but-in-his-prime version from the 1983 Album “Bark at the Moon.”.

Pick 2.) Band 2 – Eric Clapton

Dual threat singer and guitar player plus a penchant for timeless songwriting. Wrote many iconic guitar hits such as “Layla” and “Sunshine of your Love”, was the x factor in successful bands like Yardbirds, Cream, and was successful in solo exploits. Can sing about broad spectrum from “you look wonderful tonight” to “cocaine.”
Clapton of choice: Era of 1972 while he was young

Pick 3.) Band 3 – Jimi Hendrix

The Voodoo Child. Jimi has a freak, uncanny ability to shred the guitar and improve in such a way that every note he plays sounds perfect and he is usually just making it up as he goes along. Jimi has a ton of swag and stage presence and brings sex appeal and spirituality to every song he touches. He is also a great singer and songwriter, but Jimi is the 3rd overall pick due to his unique charisma and guitar talent. If his career was able to be extrapolated beyond what it was when he passed at age 27, it is likely that he could be remembered as one of the most influential people in American culture of all time. If Jimi were to be paired with other great musicians, his impact could be multiplied and masterpieces could be born with ease.
Era: Woodstock. Dressed in full get up.

Pick 4.) Slash

High pick for somebody who does not sing, and only has a few hit songs to his lyrical writing credit (notable : “Mr. Brownstone.”) Slash is the 4th overall choice due to his voice he has with his instrumentals. Haunting riffs such as “Sweet Child O Mine” and “Welcome to the Jungle” have a way of creating emotion inside of the listener before the first word is even sang or spoken. Slash has a lot of charisma and iconability with the whole sunglasses, top hat, and cigarette thing but he is not chosen to be a leader. Rather, he is chosen to be a behind the scenes engine to make sure that the guitar part for any song is always constructed in a unique, precise, and beautiful style that nobody in the world is capable of replicating. Slash showed an ability to go the acoustic route and still produce his signature sound with the unplugged slow paced hit “Patience”, and again was able to make magic with his guitar part in the power-ballad “November Rain”. Although November Rain is not considered as technically intricate as some of his other songs, it has a special make a way of making the listener feel truly emotionally connected to the song. Slash was truly special when paired with Axl Rose but showed an ability to be dynamic with other bands in the modern rock era, such as Velvet Revolver. His howling piece in Velvet Revolvers “Fall to Pieces” differentiate what would be an ordinary song without Slash, and give it that true emotional appeal that only slash can create with a six string.
Era: Touch decision, but 1989 Appetite for Destruction Slash.